Bobby Died Tonight December 16, 2009

How do you say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life for over 40 years? Someone you have loved and been friends with that you could never imagine your life without. I am at that place tonight. Bobby was my hero, my protector, my tormentor, my friend. He will forever be a part of my life through our son and grandchildren and a part of my heart that is now at this moment feeling lost and empty. As if a vital part of me has been taken and leaving me lost and wandering in circles not sure how to process the loss of him to my life.

The first time I saw Bobby he was walking down the beach at Candlewood Lake, in Ct. He wore cut off shorts and his hair was long and black curls with the breeze blowing it behind him as he walked across the sand. He had a gold St. Christopher's medal and bare feet. It seemed to me at the age of 14 that I had just seen the most beautiful boy and my heart just knew he was going to be a part of my life. Little did I know at the time how large a part he would become. I fell in love with him at that moment and continued to love him for the rest of our lives. He taught me how to make love and enjoy the beauty of it. He kept me safe from all who could harm me. He gave me my son James. He taught me how not to hate but how to love.
This is who Bobby is to me.
Love can take many forms, certainly the passionate kind we all wish for yet there is another kind that comes after the passion fades and the disappointments matter less and less. You find that you can retain the love and respect for each other past the hurts, past the anger. You can just accept that sometimes loving each other is not enough to justify staying together. And that the truest kind of loving is to let that person go to find happiness with another. and feeling happiness as well for your past mate. You choose to love each other enough to let each other go to find what they need to become complete and fulfilled in a way you know you can never do. There is no sadness in this gift of freedom just a change of type of loving. The depth is no difference, nor the commitment, it is just now a loving friendship that will continue while we live.

I trusted Bobby with truth. My truths. My hurts and disappointments in life, without him ever using it to cause me pain. He never did. He just would say I am here don't worry this will pass but I will always be here for you.

Tonight he is gone. Physically gone. But I can still feel his presence.

Our son is strong and much like his father and his grandsons following suit. He will remain in a physical sense through them. He has left his mark on these three. Beautiful of face and character, strong of will, determined to have their own way in all things. Yet a gentleness of soul that you won't see unless you look closely. It is in their eyes and how they interact with others.

Bobby was a gentle giant beneath all the bluster. He cared deeply for those he chose. And he had a magical quality of part leprechaun, part King Kong, and part Clark Gable all in one small package. Whenever I see Gone With The Wind Bobby is always at the end saying "Frankly My Dear I Don't Give A Damn". That was how he was but with a twinkle in his eye which also said but I could change my mind later.
The King Kong part would be the gruff, loud coming of the storm which was his way of letting out emotion he could not cope with.

Yet with all this he was true to himself always and loved by many.
Respected by those who truly knew him and loved him.

So tonight I will gather my memories and keep them close, giving comfort as these images surround me and warm my grieving heart.
I miss you Baby. You were truly the greatest love of my life.